Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A Conversation With Myself


Dear reader,

On day 14 we are prompted to write a poem that involves a conversation. I knew that this would not be a hard write, but on the other hand, it is a difficult one. This poem is the most emotionally charged piece I have written this month. The conversation I chose to write is a one person narrative, and after you read the poem you will see that there are different sides to this one person. Yes dear reader, this one person is bi-polar.

And yes, this one person is me. I was diagnosed as bi-polar a couple months ago. I have chosen to keep it silent (except family and some very close friends) until now. This prompt really moved me to reveal this. I think it works well. The poem does not reflect everything I go through, but it will give you an indication of a bit of it. I pray that I will not be judged based on this, but rather I encourage people to learn about mental health issues that many of us deal with everyday.

Please enjoy.

Rod E. Kok
April 14, 2015

My thoughts upon waking
are vibrant, excited.
A new day has dawned,
more chances
to make a difference
in this little world
I live in.

Dark and dismal,
I cannot fathom
how to endure
another day,
pretending to be
happy, 
yet hiding the truth  
from everyone.

I am so pleased to have
another day, free from
the slavery of
this disease which
inhabits my mind.
Giving thanks to God,
I go my way rejoicing!

I cannot climb out
of this pit
I have fallen into,
All my efforts are
in vain.
Aware of my surroundings,
I am unable to change
the color of
the sun.

I’ve seen myself
on the other side
of darkness’ curtain;
it is not a sight I wish
on anyone.
Yet today I only see
joy,
I only feel
happiness.


Pointless, nothing is worth
the effort it takes.
I yearn for things to be
different,
better,
brighter.
But alas, it is not to be.
I only hope
doesn’t last.

I will not worry
about tomorrow,
for today has too much
to offer.

I have nothing
to offer this day.
I wonder if there will be
a tomorrow?

I know it is not
my fault,
so I go on,
praying that
I will never fall
again.

Is it me? Did I do
something wrong?
I feel worthless,
a failure.
I will stop writing,
for nobody
cares.

I am not ashamed
of my troubles,
I will continue
to write
to dream
to live.



4 comments:

  1. I'm glad you ended with hope, and I'm glad you shared this. It's a brave step, and I genuinely hope that you find nothing but care and acceptance and understanding. Certainly nothing else will come from me.

    I know a little of these feelings, having suffered with depression, but it's a slower cycle. Just as nasty, in it's way.

    BRAVO for getting it out there and using this prompt to raise awareness.

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  2. Oh, how I relate!
    I have never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I know that my particular brand of depression is very close, I think sometimes maybe I'm just missing the diagnosis!
    I too alternate between feeling elated and full of energy one day to feeling down in the dumps the next. And when I am full of energy, I tend to overdo. I'm thinking now it has to do with the fact I know that, once I stop, there is no knowing when I'll pick it up next time.

    I agree, it is important we spread the word to stop stigma against mental illness.
    Thank you for taking this brave step.
    All the best to you.

    (and please don't stop writing!)

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  3. Rod, thank you for sharing. ~hugs~ It takes a lot to admit such a thing. You are loved by many, including this dragon poet in central New York state. Writing is therapeutic. Writing heals.

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