Monday, March 31, 2014

Deaf Ears

Good afternoon, dear reader

Here is the 5th poem I wrote for the Anxiety / Release collaboration. It is dark, but I don't feel it as dark as #4. There are some really cool ideas in this piece, and I remember being fairly happy with it. The only thing I don't like is that it seems to end very abruptly. But it is finished...I have nothing more to offer this particular piece.

Rod E. Kok
March 2014

It’s wrong. All is so very
wrong.
My dreams insist on being
a harbinger of nothing
positive.
  (No sunshine at night)

Rumination lays bare
sins of the past,
I’m saddened by what I did.
  (We all make choices)

Hiding my thoughts,
my dreams,
the desires that exist
in a secret place
cover me in an unholy sweat.
  (Get behind me, devil)

There is no understanding
from those around me,
friends abandon the sinner
  (cast not that stone!)

Apologies aren’t heard,
much less accepted.
Ah, the tears that flow
don’t reflect pity,
only remorse.
  (Why can’t you see that?)

Forgiveness is all I want
I beg for it.
On my knees, I make my
impassioned plea.
  (it falls on deaf ears)

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Darkness

Dear reader,

This is the 4th piece I wrote for the Anxiety collaboration. It is the darkest of them all. This one shows the progression, or rather, the regression of my mindset as I wrote. My mindset was dark, darker and darkest, and then went back up. I believe the poems I wrote reflect that. If you've read the previous two pieces I wrote for the collaboration, I think you will see it as well.

After I wrote this piece, I knew right away that it would not make the cut. It never had a chance to be the final submission to the artist. But I kept it, as it is part of the journey. If I recall correctly, it was this piece that convinced me I did not want to go really dark for my final piece. And so, this poem taught me a lot...about myself, about my poetry, and about what I wanted to contribute to Nicky's collaboration set. 

Once again I urge you to not read too much into the words in relation to myself. I do not feel the emotion as written. But please do read the words knowing that somewhere, somebody feels this. The emotion is real. Maybe we can't relate. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Rod E. Kok
March 2014

Darkness.

Laying here, alone
        weary
          empty

I've withdrawn into
deep shadows

I can't see the pain

but your voice,
   your condescending rage
rattles against my cage.

I've never understood
you...I blame the drink
for randomly possessing

your eyes
seeing me as a target.

I don't know what to
expect.
   physical or mental
it's all torment.

I'm sick of walking
on the eggshells which litter
that fabric which we used to
lay on
   together.

Now I hide from you,
   from your demons that can't find me
in my darkness.

Darkness.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Little Ship

Hello again, dear reader

This poem is the third one I wrote for the Anxiety / Release collaboration. Yes, the third. And no, there was not a second. The second attempt never got finished, and thus will never get posted.

This particular piece is not my favorite, and definitely not one of the stronger ones I wrote for the collaboration. I think it is fairly obvious why it did not make the cut. Yet I am posting it. Why? Well, I want to give you an idea as to what I went through as I contemplated, ruminated and struggled with as the process went on. This poem is dark, and I remember that I was in a fairly dense fog (mentally, not physically) as I wrote it. But I can't help but feel that there is something missing, something incomplete with this piece. I can't put my finger on it. I did edit this piece a bit long after the actual writing date, and it did make it better than the original. 

Once again, I ask that, at the very least, you can appreciate what it takes to write this dark poetry. It is not just random words, it is a thought process that starts as a tiny idea, and with a heavy heart and foggy mind, that idea grows into something....scary. 

Feedback is always welcome.

Rod E. Kok
March 2014

Feelings persist,
gnawing at my core,
burrowing
inch by bloody inch
through the fabric of
wet, clammy skin.

Maybe I should remain
alone...

What if I am not
good enough?

Deep breath…

you can do this
is what I am told
by sadism buried inside my
troubled mind.

Don't worry...everyone will
   (laugh at you)
think you're wonderful.

One step at a time,
time keeps pace with
wildly jumbled thoughts
of inadequacy.

Convincing myself I can
leave my hole, 
sweating to
over-worked imagination,
it is only a bottle
that allows me to sail away
on the little ship
contained within.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Thanks For The Ride

Dear reader

The following poem was my very first attempt at writing for the Anxiety / Release Collaboration I was invited to participate in by Nicky Mortlock (@ArtiPeeps on Twitter).  What is this collaboration about? Well, Nicky has invited 4 poets and 4 artists to work on this. A poet will get matched up with an artist, making 4 pairs. The poet will write a piece on Anxiety, and the artist will have an opportunity to interpret the words into art. As far as I know, the 4 poems and corresponding art pieces will be on display at some point in England.

As I wrote my way through the theme of 'Anxiety', I really found myself getting dark. My first couple pieces were very dark, and gradually they became a lighter shade of grey. It has been an extremely interesting and enlightening process. The writing, the communication with the artist, exploring anxiety and learning about it. I have grown a lot as a writer, and have learned to write about some emotions that I've never really penned about.

And so, dear reader, the piece that follows is the first attempt. Do not be afraid for me. I live in a world of fog at times, but never have I experienced what I have written. The emotion is born from research, the words have been nurtured with creativity and passion. Yes, the pieces I have written for this collaboration have affected me deeply. That's what writing does to me. 

I hope you enjoy this first piece. And if you don't, I understand completely. But all I ask, at the very least, is to appreciate the effort, the research, the creativity and the passion that goes into this piece, and every other poem I have ever written.

Rod E. Kok
March 2014

They said I was wrong
in the head, a case study
for the shrinks.
Neurotic, psychotic...
and a few other
- otics and - olics.
Uniqueness allows me to stand out,
drawing attention by my lack of
animation, but they call it
a case.

Although I try to live
normally,
quiet pressure builds
from outside and my skin
turns clammy.

Studies show...
blah blah blah...
a vacant stare as I
withdraw from forces which
label me.

I am failing in my effort
to remain whole,
'at peace' is barely registering
in my need to co-exist.

With quickening breath,
life giving air eludes my
needful lungs. I cannot see
beyond the red rimmed
glasses of my tear-filled eyes.

Furtive glances reveal
those who wish me
locked away, or at the very least...
hidden.

Why?
Why me? I truly am
defensible, responsible,
along with a couple more
-ibles and -ables.

Yet you have caused me
this unbearable angst,
I can't take
your condescending looks,
touches, thoughts.

I am leaving.
For good.

Thanks for the
ride.

Thursday, March 6, 2014