Tinnitus

 Well dear reader, using the word prompts from Day 14, I expose a little bit more about me that you may not know. As you can judge by the title, this poem is about a hearing condition called Tinnitus. I have suffered from it for years, but thankfully I have hearing aids that provide constant relief. Please enjoy the piece from Day 14.

Rod E. Kok

Internal silence
is rare;
a high pitched
squeal
is constant.

If it was not for
white noise
streaming into
my ears,
I would have gone
crazy
long ago.

Family of Faith

 Good morning dear reader. I won't get done 31 poems in 31 days. I am simply too far behind. Why? Because my motivation to write is severely lacking. And laziness. I have not put in the effort required to keep up. But, I will write 31 poems. It will just take me a few extra days. And that brings us to the word prompts from Day 13. This poem came out very raw, and exposes me in a light that some may not see. I have no doubts that those who know me will quite possibly look at me differently if they read this. And that is ok. My wall will keep me safe.

Rod E. Kok

A lifelong struggle
to embrace
what I was raised
to believe.

I do not deny
those lessons,
yet I find it
difficult
to believe
that I am
included
in the family
of faith.

Take Another Look

 Well dear reader, the words are coming fast and furious tonight. This will be my third poem of the night, and I'm almost caught up for OctPoWriMo. This is day 12's piece and is probably the most relevant poem for me. Anyone who has followed this blog over the last few years know what I've endured. And as it turns out, those who judged me really aren't that different from me. I just hope they take another look.

Rod E. Kok

Take another look
into my open eyes.
Can you see clearly
the twisted illusions
that swirl behind
my iris?

Take another look.
Go ahead.
Open your own eyes
and see your reflection
in mine.

Can you see it?
We really are
not that different
after all.

Where I was

 Hello dear reader

I'm really not paying any attention to anything except the words we are given as prompts. My words are borne from those words, regardless of what direction we are prompted to go. I think I mentioned it earlier; I am very happy going my own direction. Today's poem gives us a contrast in perspective. This was and is my effort for Day 11 of OctPoWriMo. Please enjoy.

Rod E. Kok

Bright lights,
warm vibes;
boundless energy
spins around
this room.

Darkness;
cold fingers
grip my heart.
I cannot move
back
to where I was.

Never Give Up

Dear reader, the motivation to write has been lacking. Even the prompts are not inspiring me or my words. So if the next few poems seem forced, they probably are. And I apologize for that. But I will not give up on finishing OctPoWriMo 2022. It just may take me a little longer.

Rod E. Kok

There is no sadness

amidst the hope

of change.

Turning that corner

to a new

normal,

I promise now

to never

give up.

 

Fear

 Well dear reader, for Day 9's prompt I have decided to return to one of my all time favorite poetry forms. The Haiku. This one came to me very quickly. I'm quite pleased with it. The hardest part of writing this poem was titling it. Even as I write this intro, I do not have a title chosen yet. I'm sure it will come to me. Please enjoy.

Rod E. Kok

becoming afraid
she breathes life into my soul
silencing my fear

Wonderfully Strange

 Hello dear reader. I have fallen behind in my writing, but I promise I will make it up. For better or worse. I am finding that throughout this journey so far, I am using the word prompts, but not necessarily the 'vision' prompt. Nor am I using the form prompt. I think this is a good thing for me, for it allows me to really write out of my head and my heart. I hope you are enjoying this ride. Here is my poem for Day 8 of OctPoWriMo2022.

Rod E. Kok

In the quiet comfort
of darkness,
how wonderfully strange
it is
that my mind
goes
to unexpected places.

How wonderfully strange
that I did not
go mad
with confusion
or doubt.

In the quiet chaos,
I survived something
that was
wonderfully strange.

Glass Floor

Hello dear reader. Today we have been challenged to write something about conquering our fears. Well, I immediately went back to the time I tried to stand on the glass floor at the top of the Calgary tower, and in more recent memory, the same activity in the CN Tower in Toronto. Neither was an event that I wish to repeat. I think you'll get that message through today's poem. Please enjoy.

Rod E. Kok

Glass floors
reflect a world
far beneath

my feet.

I am determined

to trust,

to conquer 

my fear.

I will tread,

albeit lightly

and with great

trepidation,

upon that floor.

Heartbeat increases;

cold sweat

breaks out.

One foot hovers

above what seems to be

certain doom.

I pull back,

willing my mind

and body

to fear not.

Trust.

Fear.

Deep breath.

A glass floor

bears my weight;

my body floats

above the ground

so far below.

A single tear

falls from 

my eye.

This once

I have conquered;

I never have to stand

on a glass floor

again.

My World

Hello dear reader. We are 6 days into OctPoWriMo and I'm still writing. After so much time away from poetry, this is a major accomplishment. Today's theme is about guilt, and ridding oneself from it. I didn't quite go there, but I did use some of the word prompts. My words today do not reflect how I feel today. Rather, they reflect a generalization of my feelings. Some days are better than others. Today is a good day. Please enjoy.

Rod E. Kok

I live
in this world
surrounded
by my own sin,
these failures
and faults.

I live
in this world
weighed down
by guilt.
I feel
unforgivable.

I live
in this world
unable to see
past
my wall.

I have surrendered
to my reality;
I cannot
let it go.
My weakness
will not
allow it.

I live
in this world.
I live.
And that is
my world.

Not Enough

 Day 5, dear reader, brings us a prompt that I took 180 degrees from what the word suggestions suggested. At least, I think I did a u-turn on this one. It is the kind of poem I usually wrote in the past, so it flowed quite easily once I put my mind to writing it. Anyone who has read my works in the past will see that this is truly me. And it is probably not enough.

Rod E. Kok

Who am I
if I am not enough?

Who would I be
if I did not doubt
myself?

I would be
better
than I think

and I think
I am
not enough

Spring Park Bench redux

 Good morning dear reader

Jenni wanted us to to explore a past collaboration we may have participated in, and that led me directly to 2014. A project I worked on saw me paired with a British artist named Heather Burns. We came up with a piece called Spring Park Bench. I wrote, she drew. We inspired each other, and after many iterations of the piece, we came up with what I would consider a masterpiece. I will post the original Spring Park Bench to provide context, followed by my poem for today. I hope you enjoy.

Rod E Kok

What seems a lifetime,

time has passed

since I sat

on that park bench

in the spring.

What seems just yesterday

since we spoke;

words and art

entwined together

forever.

Heather and drab,

you and I;

passion for our

art

ignited a wellspring

of emotion,

of color.

What seems a lifetime

since we sat

on that

park bench 

in the spring.

shadows

 Hello dear reader

Day 3's words came late to me, but at least they arrived. Morgan gave us prompt dealing with shadows in our lives. What has us spinning and spiraling? I love writing about shadows, and mental health. I think that is reflected in today's effort. Today also marks my first piece that isn't free form. I wrote a Haiku today. And for me, it just works. I'm super happy with this work. I hope you enjoy it.

Rod E. Kok

abandoned shadows
left behind in a dark world
here they come again

silence

Day 2 of OctPoWriMo brings us a prompt from Bianca. She spoke of a storm she sat through, and encouraged us to write a sonnet or an ode about storms we have been in. I chose to write free style, as I'm not quite ready to tackle a different form. That will come. But for now, I give you silence. Please enjoy.

Rod E. Kok

 It is that noise,

low 

rumbling…

that noise 

which is fading

deep into

my mind.

(a momentary reprieve

from

raging storms)

silence

then it starts again;

rolling around

my brain.

fading

relinquishing it’s hold

on emotion.

Now all around me

is 

silence

i am who i am

Hello dear reader. It is time. It is time to embrace my love of poetry once again. It has been a long time since I have participated in one of the Poetry Writing Months. Inspired by conversations with a couple of teachers at work, I decided that for better or worse, I would write this year. And I am truly excited by it, yet I approach it with some trepidation. I am not confident that my words are able to meet my own standards (which happen to be the only standards that matter when it comes to my writing). But I am doing it. I am writing 31 poems in 31 days. 

Our first prompt, given by Morgan Dragonwillow, is about shining our light. Admittedly, this is probably not my best. But it is only day one. And i am who i am. I write what I write. Please enjoy (or not). Either way, OctPoWriMo is underway in a positive way.

Rod E. Kok

October 1, 2022

i am who i am
faults and all;
nowhere near perfection,
not even close.
Mistakes glaringly obvious,
oft repeated.
Hard lessons have not
been learned.

i am who i am
warts and all.
Many decades of experience;
years upon years of failures.
Missteps followed by deficiency
of effort.

i am who i am
growing slowly
or not at all.
Faith is dying;
I feel I am not
trying.

Yet…

i am who i am
working hard to
be kind.
Do unto others
and all that
stuff.

i am who i am;
I choose to look
forward.
I choose to be
influentially positive.
I choose
to shine
my light.

My Own Advice

 Dear reader.

Remember me? Yeah, I'm the guy who used to semi-regularly post his sad attempt at poetry on this site. And true to the history of posts here, I will once again post another sad attempt. It's been almost 2 years since I've published a poem. It's good to finally write something I'm happy with.

Today's prompt comes from dVerse Poets Pub. The words I chose to use are bellow, tempestuous, dulcet, seethe and beseech. Please enjoy.

RK

There is no everlasting remedy

to the dulcet tones

of melancholy;

nor is there redress

to the bellowing

of silence.

All I know 

is a seething mind

in turmoil;

a tempestuous argument

between myself

and I.

We beseech one another

to forgive.

But I never heed

my own advice.

Walking back...

Well dear reader, here I am again. It has been an incredibly emotional week. I have been all over the place mentally, which leads to a physical exhaustion. Thankfully I have had no sleepless nights. If you don't want to read the rest of this post, I will put a TL;DR at the end. If you're curious and want to know what I am going to write about, please read on.

I am an emotional person. I do a lot of things out of an emotional response. I am also a passionate person. I write a lot of things as a passionate response. Sometimes my emotions and passions spur me to do things without fully processing the whole picture. It is who I am. Always have been, always will be. I make no apologies.

This past week has caused me to really evaluate myself and the work I do in photography. I still stand by the work I have done and shared. I feel no reason to be ashamed. What I have realized is that quitting is not the answer. Giving up something that I am passionate about, something that I can be proud of, and something that does so much good for my mental health does not seem like a good option. So, do I want to make this all about me and what is good for me? While that is very important, it is not the only thing I have to consider.

I don't want to ask the same questions in this post as I did in my previous post. Nonetheless, the questions are still valid and I encourage to go read them if you haven't already. I have asked myself these questions all week. I have tried to see through a different lens. But my answers come back the same.  We have to live our lives within our own moral compass. Mine is based on my belief in God and in what I believe the Bible teaches. The Bible allows for Christians to have differing opinions from each other. We do not all have to have the exact same comfort zone. But is that all there is?

 One question I did not ask myself is this: Can I do anything that would protect my neighbor from what may be a stumbling block to them? The answer is no. I did not consider this.  In hindsight, I probably should not have made my pictures so readily available for viewing. We all have a choice as to what we click on, what we look at, watch, or read. There are things I won't click on, but you will. The opposite is just as true. Just as what may be a stumbling block to my neighbor might not be a stumbling block to me. Where do we go from here?

 I think the answer would be that while I can (and will) continue to work within my own moral compass, I will not put my work in such a place where my neighbor cannot help but see it. In other words, I will still shoot what I shoot, I will still put the pictures on my website, and I will still post some of them to my photography Instagram account. What I will not do is post my pictures on Facebook, or links to my pictures on Facebook.  People can choose to follow my photography account, they can choose to browse to my website. True, they can also choose to click the links I post, but ultimately that is their choice. What I am doing is making the choice to not see my work a little easier. By taking this route, the choice is out of my hands. No links, no advertising. Unless you choose to follow my photography account or choose to navigate to my website.

And so, my journey continues. I will continue to shoot pictures. I will continue to create concepts that intrigue me, and to find a model that will work with me in capturing these concepts in photographs. I will not guarantee that every concept or picture will fit within everyone's comfort zone. That would be impossible. I will shoot through my own lens. I will work harder at evaluating a shoot, but I will not apologize if it is not exactly what others think it should be. My conscience will continue to be my guide.

This week has been difficult. But when I came to the decision not to quit, and when I talked with my wife about it, a weight was lifted off my heart and my mind. Discussions will continue regarding this subject. It can be controversial, only because we all have differing opinions of right and wrong.  But I feel at peace. And I like this feeling a lot.

Rod

Walking Away

Dear reader

As I start to write this, I have no clue what the title will be or how long this will be. But isn’t that true of almost everything I write? The title is the last thing to be written and I write until I am done. One thing I do know is the subject of this article. Photography. No, this is not going to be a technical manual. It is not going to be a how-to guide. This article is going to be deeply personal, for that is the only way I know how to write. For those of you who don’t want to read the whole article, I will put a TL;DR at the end.

Any of you who know me and have been following me on the different forms of social media over the years will know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have never been scared to reveal little bits of myself through my writing. I have never shied away from sharing the different paths I, along with my family, have been on. Cancer, depression...those are two of the longer paths. What does this have to do with photography? Hopefully that will become more clear as I write and you read.

Roughly 6 months ago (that would have been the summer of 2019), I took a step into the world of fashion photography. Along with that came editorial photography, lifestyle photography and a bunch of other sub-genres that I am probably forgetting. What these all have in common is people. I started to take photographs of people. Specifically, I started having photoshoots with models. As of this writing, I have only shot female models but my first male model photoshoot is tomorrow.

As I got into this genre of photography, I discovered that I had some talent. Maybe not much, but it was there. I also unlocked a passion for something of which I have never felt before with any hobby I have tried. Talent and passion...what could possibly go wrong? So through different methodologies I studied to improve my craft. Composition, lighting, camera settings...you name it, I studied it. I learned from a lot of different people, models and photographers alike. And continued all the way up until this very day. I am just as passionate about it today as I was 6 months ago. Maybe even more so.

Photoshoot after photoshoot, I created art. Along with the models I worked with, I created something magical for both them and myself. Not every picture was as good as I wanted, but I learned from the mistakes more than I learned from the successes. We created art. The whole process was an adrenaline rush. From coming up with a concept, to finding a model, to planning the shoot and all that it entails, to post production...what a rush. I felt so alive. I dare say that the past 6 months have transformed me into who I really am, who I want to be. I want to be happy, positive. I want to use the talents God has given me and celebrate the beauty he created. My brain has a creative side to it, and this was an amazing way to use that creativity and keep my brain healthy.

Two days ago, I made the decision to walk away from it all.

WHAT? But...you just said all this stuff. It was positive…and, well, positive! .I can hear you all saying this and asking me Why?

What I discovered over the past few days is that it is seemingly impossible for a Christian to work in this field. It is seemingly futile for a Christian to take pictures of models. I have run into what seems to be an insurmountable hill. Please, do read on.

(Disclaimer: I am NOT pointing fingers. I do not blame anyone for anything.)

People have opinions. Beliefs. Convictions. And I will always respect those, especially when they are different than mine. When I started into this world of photography, I set boundaries. Personal boundaries that I would not cross. I know what I am comfortable shooting, I know what I am comfortable sharing, and I will never be ashamed of the work I did. Never. I have nothing to apologize for, no one to apologize to. I will defend my work until my dying breath.

But.

There is always a but. But how can I continue to shoot if I have to constantly look over my shoulder, wondering who is going to be offended by my work? How can I work within my own comfort zone while also trying to fit everyone else’s in? How can I create my art when I have to wonder who is going to judge and condemn? Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that my work is not for everybody. Many will not like the pictures I take. And that is fine. All art forms are subjective. I personally loved the banana duct taped to the wall. Brilliant!! One definition of ‘subjective’ is placing excessive emphasis on one’s own moods, attitudes, opinions, etc. There are no facts, only beliefs and opinions.

Let’s be perfectly clear: I do not care if you like my work or not. That is your right, and I respect that 100%.

Let’s be perfectly clear once again: Just because you do not like my work, does not make it wrong. Read that again.

As I said, I set my boundaries of what I would and wouldn’t shoot. My criteria for these boundaries was based on my personal belief system, and what I think is acceptable in my life as a Christian. That is fair, is it not? I thought so, until it was pointed out to me that I cannot do something. I have been told on different occasions (not many, but still…) that I cannot take pictures of women. I cannot take ‘sexy’ pictures of women. I cannot take pictures of ‘sexy’ women. So I’m confused. Can I only take pictures of the ugly ones? That seems harsh and judgy. Who determines beauty? You? Me? Interesting. Or is the point that I cannot take pictures of women (or men I suppose) in certain clothing? How much skin can be seen? Knees down, elbows down and neck up? Who determines this? And is it different for male models than for female models?

My point is that we all have different boundaries, different comfort levels. I agree that, as a Christian, there are certain boundaries I cannot cross. I am sure we would even agree on some of those boundaries. But I ask you this, dear reader: who draws that line between right and wrong? I struggle with this. Christians will say to use the Bible as our moral compass. And I agree with that 100%. And I have no problem whatsoever defending my work according to that compass. Others will have no problem condemning my work according to that compass. Do you see where my dilemma is? Who is right? Who gets to decide if my work is right or wrong?

Let me ask another question: who is the decision maker as to what clothing is appropriate for a model to wear, and what is inappropriate? Or better yet...who decides what is appropriate for me to shoot and share? After all, the model may be comfortable in something others would condemn as being not modest enough. I may be comfortable shooting it and sharing it. But you may be uncomfortable looking at it. Who decides if what I did was wrong? Your level of uncomfortability? My comfort level? This is tough, isn’t it? After all, none of us are the judge. We don’t sit on the jury. And we certainly don’t fill the role of executioner.

Dear reader, this is why I have walked away from photography. There are too many dilemmas that make it impossible for me to continue. For I cannot be me, I cannot use my creativity to create my art if I have to be held to someone else’s moral compass. It has been suggested to me that I start over under a pseudonym and not share my work. I suppose I could, and I have not totally discounted it. But to me it seems I would be hiding what I do. This is a personal struggle I have to work out.

So this is my heart on my sleeve. I am heartbroken that I have to walk away from something that has done me so much good mentally. I could write a lot more about my mental health and all of that, but I won’t. If I can find a way to come back to the work I was doing, I will. But it will be on my terms, and nobody else’s (aside from my wife). Right now, I do not see a way of coming back. Maybe that will change. I told my wife during one of our many discussions on this that IF I do come back, the only people who will know are those I choose. And I will have to be extremely picky. I will need to protect myself from another heartbreak. I don’t want to have to go through this again. I do not expect you to understand. A few people have seen what effect this has had on me. I don’t think they like what they see. And frankly, neither do I.

Rod

TL;DR Stepping away from photography because I can’t work when I have to be confined to moral compasses that are not my own.

Needing Life

As I go through my WIP folder, I discover poems that were completed long ago. These poems, if deemed ok in my opinion, will be posted here. For the ones I deem not acceptable, they will never see the light of day. As always, I hope you enjoy my poetry. If you do, please subscribe to get the latest updates. If you don't, so be it. 

Rod Kok
May 8, 2019

It used to be easy

to believe, to trust,

to dance with sunbeams

as they radiated enthusiasm

through the window

to my soul.

But somewhere

on this forked road,

light stopped penetrating,

casting shadows which bled

into darkness.

I am overcome

by a mist, a cold embrace

drawing me down

to its passionless depths.

I am cold and shivering.

I feel naked and alone.

I am scared.

I need your heat,

your love, your caress.

I need life.

Escape

I wrote this a few years ago, and let it in my WIP folder. The message today is every bit as real as it was then. Nothing has changed.

Rod Kok
May 6, 2019

A battle is raging,

a war is being fought.

Two foes fight

over one weary soul.

An epic contest

between Right

and Wrong,

my head is in conflict

with my heart.

Desire wields

a sword,

honed on a whetstone

of Passion.

Wisdom parries

what surely could be

a mortal strike,

while Reason’s voice

is faintly heard.

A blow is struck,

not by arrow

or blade,

but by Words,

penetrating through

the vigilance of my Heart.

Circumspection leads

a counter-attack,

prevailing to gain an edge

for Right.

Conscience interferes,

creating diversions

wherever a foothold

can be found.

A battle is raging;

my head and my heart

each claim victory.

But Conquest has not arrived,

so this fight goes on.

Deep in my soul,

Lust is wrestling Purity.

Damnation pulls Salvation

to the precipice,

only to be denied

by Sacrifice.

I am weary;

I grow tired of

this confrontation.

I grow weary;

I pray for peace.

I pray

for escape.

Epic Sigh or, This is how I feel about me

Here is my latest poem that I am willing to share. I wrote this after a session with my psychologist. No, she doesn't make me feel this way but she sure does make me think. And that is a good thing. Mostly. Please enjoy the poem.

Rod E Kok
January 28, 2019

I lack truth.

Seriously, I do not have

a clue.

Am I supposed to have

all my sh*t together?

Because I don't.

I don't even have sh*t,

never mind having it

together.

Insert an epic sigh

right here.

That is me,

evaluating.

Ruminating.

I do not like

the returns on this path.

I have been told

(yesterday even!)

that I am too hard

on myself.

Yeah, character flaw

and all those other

evaluative (judgmental)

adjectives.

I get it.

But seriously.

Am I really supposed to have

all my sh*t together?

Because I don't.

And probably never will.